Grindon Mill Bowls Club

A little old man boards a bus with a bowling wood in each of his front pockets.
He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets.

It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.
“Bowling balls,” he nods reassuringly.
The lady seems a little shocked, and stares on. Moments later, she says: “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

 

 

 

Four bowlers were out on the ‘Green’ practising. As one of them was about to bowl at the 15th end, which was next to a busy road, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.

At this point, the other three said, “You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen.”

And the bowler answers, “Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!”

 

 

I rang up my local bowling club, I said “Is that the local bowling club?”
He said “It depends where you’re calling from.”

 

 

Lead: “How much am I short?”

Skip: “You ought to know, you’re closer to it”

 

 

 

Q: What do you do with someone who can’t draw, can’t roll the jack, can’t set the mat, can’t keep score and won’t listen?

A: Make them skip

 

 

 

 

Up and down, walking,
Often measuring, sometimes chalking
Shifting mats – keeping score,
Thirty ends, maybe more,
Aching back – tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he’s the marker!

 

 

 

 The club's top bowler, a guy who had won every club championship numerous times, was known for carrying a little black book which regularly consulted during games. 

Whenever he stood on the mat, with a particularly difficult situation, he would take out this little book and then make a brilliant shot. 

Eventually he died and there was great interest in this book.  many of the club's members approached the man's widow asking what she was planning to do with this legendary book.  

As a shrewd woman who was also in need of funds, she decided to auction the book off to the highest bidder. 

The auction was held at the club and after some very spirited bidding a member, who had often finished second to the now deceased champion, took possession of the much sought after and now quite expensive book. 

He could scarcely wait to take the book home and puruse its pages at leisure. 

He sat himself down in his study and began to leaf through the pages - and he found that the pages were blank! 

He finally came to a single page that had one sentence on it. 

It said;

"Small circle on the inside."

 

 

 

 

The Bowlers' own language - how to translate

 

 The Sport of Bowls has its very own language which can totally mystify anyone who hears it, but hasn't had the pleasure of throwing a bowl in fun or earnest.  For the information of the uninitiated, here are a few terms translated into standard English.

 

• "Good weight!" = lousy line

• "Good line" = lousy weight

• "Good back bowl" = you were lucky you didn't put it in the ditch

• "That's in their way" = that's in my way

• "That could be useful up there" = that bowl is closer to you than it is to the jack

• "Get it next time" = you sure didn't get it this time

• "He's surprisingly good" = you're surprised he ever makes a shot

• "I'd bowl with him any day" = he always buys the first round

 

 

 

 

 

As with any language there are irregular verbs.  In English we have 'I am', 'you are', 'he is'.  Well bowls also has its collection of irregular verbs.  Here are a few:

 

1.)  I use tactics

      You use gamesmanship

      He cheats

2.)  I can't read the greens

      You're struggling

      He stinks

3.)  I use the bowls in play

      You get wicks

      He has horse-shoes up his a**

4.)  I put in a useful back bowl

      You're heavy

      He's lucky his bowl didn't go in the ditch

 

 

 

Pat requested his Church to check if they played bowls in Heaven.
After a week the Priest approached Pat with the answer.
He said, "I have good news and bad news".
Pat said, "Tell me the good news first".
The Priest said, "The good news is that they do play bowls in Heaven".
"What's the bad news ?", said Pat.
The Priest said, "Well Pat, the word is out that your name is down for the pairs next Saturday".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My husband took up bowling
and he bragged upon the phone
about some dame called Kitty
whom he couldn't leave alone

He played with Kitty
he stayed with Kitty
he picked her up without a hitch

He missed Kitty
he kissed Kitty
he even layed beside her in the ditch

So I took up bowling
to win my hubby back
and found that what he could do with Kitty, 
I could do with Jack